Discover the 3 Ways Your Self-Esteem May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
When we think of relationships, we normally think of how our partner is treating us, whether we are happy and having our needs met. We tend to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and then decide if it is working out or not.
We may define our happiness by the success of our relationships. While this is an important factor in considering an individual's state of happiness, there are other factors to consider as well. How we are feeling about ourselves can have a lot to do with whether we are happy or unhappy in our relationships. Our state of self-esteem affects our perceptions of how we feel we are viewed or treated, as well as how we choose to treat our significant others. It works both ways.
Here are 3 ways you may be unknowingly sabotaging your relationship, as a result of low self-esteem..
- Your self-esteem is one of the indicators that tells you how much you think you deserve. When I say, you deserve, I don't mean in an intellectual way, as we all say we feel we deserve on that level. I am speaking more to the subconscious part of our lives. For example, if on a subconscious level we feel our partner is too good for us and will certainly leave us once he/she finds out about the "real me"; we may be unknowingly sabotaging the relationship. How do you know if you are sabotaging a relationship? Well if you find yourself provoking fights when you are feeling insecure, pushing your partner away, rejecting and criticizing him or her, when you are feeling scared or powerless; this could be an indication that your self-esteem is affecting how you treat your close relationships.
- Another way your self-esteem can influence your relationship negatively, is if you avoid all confrontations. You may have had a childhood where disagreements led to ugly arguments and verbal or physical violence. On a subconscious level, you may have said to yourself, "Arguments are ugly, I never want to fight with my partner". Instead of making a decision to learn how to express yourself calmly and rationally, you decide that you need to keep the peace at any cost. You do this by being passive, avoiding conflicts and minimizing problems. However, all decisions, come with a cost, even not taking one. By avoiding discussions, you are also avoiding resolving these conflicts. Over time, these unresolved issues can fester and can create resentment and hostility leading to a decision to detach emotionally from the relationship.
- The third way your low self-esteem may affect your relationship could be your way of compensating for a lack of self-esteem by exaggerating the need for power and control. This need for control may be expressed through anger, power struggles, insults and threats. If this person is feeling insecure or threatened, they may lash out at their loved ones, rather than asking for support and help. This person usually has a low tolerance for frustration and imperfections. Their own feelings of powerlessness may be expressed by projecting their anger towards their partner or children, creating feelings of rejection and criticism in the people they say they love the most.
While they usually have a strong fear of rejection and abandonment themselves, They sabotage their own happiness by pushing away and rejecting the very people they cherish most. The partners of these "controlling personalities" often describe their relationship as "walking on eggshells". They say they never know when the eruption will occur. This creates a lot of insecurity and a lack of trust or safety in the relationship.
How do you know when the issue is your self-esteem and not your partner triggering your reactions? Ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself today. If you are feeling positive and secure, chances are you will react differently to a wet towel left on the floor or a bill paid late, then if you just received a bad evaluation at work, or a speeding ticket. We take ourselves with us wherever we go, so how you are feeling about yourself will affect how you perceive a situation, how much patience and tolerance you have to deal with it, and how willing you are, to let it go.
As you focus on raising your self-esteem, communicating with love and understanding, showing more compassion and respect, a ripple effect is created that cannot help but inspire a like response from your partner and children. That is not to say that each of us must not forget to take responsibility for what we bring to a relationship and the mistakes we make, but a more positive self-esteem will make it easier for you to pick the high road, for you to be proud of how you are dealing with situation, set a good example for your children, and for you to become the partner, you wish you had.
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